I forget who I am & what I value
It seems so strange that such massive shifts happen in my body first, and then my world, and the way I see my world is all completely altered.
In the heart of our cozy home, our only southern window lets the afternoon sun kiss our floors, casting a warm, golden glow. The air thick with comforting and familiar smells, our meals are delightful and repetitive around here.
My focus is never just one direction, and as I stand tending to my work, I find myself looking over at my boys over and over again.
I have the warmth of the stove and the comforting rhythm of my tasks and I’m here, all here, right now.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see again that stack of dirty dishes waiting not-so-patiently by the sink, and it reminds me that our trash needs to be taken out so I can actually get this kitchen cleaned up.
There’s clutter and chaos, but I lean into a deep sense of gratitude.
This is my beautiful, bustling home, the real place I live out my life, the shape of my world.
In 2023, I’ve been met more profoundly with the tenderness of God’s love and it’s touching every part of who I am, and how I want to live.
I kneel down to scoop up my youngest, a bubbling bundle of almost one-year-old energy.
I hold him close and wish he’d be a little more snuggly and less chaotic trying to jump from my arms, but I know this is it. It’s these moments of chaos, joy, and love that are making my life whole.
I check on (and give a quick stir to) my caramelizing onions and I begin to think how incredibly forgetful I am about who I am and what I value.
I’ve seen so clearly when I stop thinking about, reading about, writing about, or making actions towards something… It slips away easily from me.
I lose my grip on my ideas, my purpose, my desires and values all too easily when I stop putting intentional thought into them. I’m not proud of this: I’m confessing.
The dishes, the trash, the noise of the boys when I’m cooking dinner… I could, and have often in the past, seen this scene in a very different light. For this exact reason.
What I think about shapes my perspective, shaping my world into a reflection of my inner thoughts.
I often find myself writing about the same subjects, not out of needless repetition, but as a way to keep certain important things at the forefront of my mind.
The things that matter to me require me to actively be choosing consciousness, mindfulness. It would be so nice if I could just decide the kind of person I want to be, and just be that person, without having to continue the work. But… it doesn’t work that way.
For a long time I thought something must be wrong with me, because of the fact that gratefulness—even being something I valued highly— required effort.
The fact it took effort to decide to be thankful, instead of naturally abounding with gratitude in my privileged, beautiful life… made me wonder.
If I was really valuing gratitude, wouldn’t this be natural, and not require continual work on my insides?
Is it only truly valuing gratitude if you wake up feeling it instead of having to choose it again and again?
I’m an easily manipulated little creature and when I think on negative things, I feel negative. My life is negative, my home is negative, and parenting is negative.
But when I focus on the beauty, when I choose to see the good & choose to foster gratitude, my life is wonderful, my home is beautiful, my children are beyond my wildest dreams.
It seems so strange that such massive shifts happen in my body first, and then my world, and the way I see my world is all completely altered.
Changed to me, by what’s going on in the inside of me.
And what’s going on on the inside of me changes drastically… depending on what I’m thinking about.
So, if I want my world to be shaped by my values, I have to keep them visible to myself.
I’m careful. I have to be. Vigilant.
It's not enough to my hold values in my heart; I have to consciously bring them to the forefront of my mind, often.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised or feel like an exception in this regard, though I often have in some shame.
The Israelites entered into the most important relationship, with God himself…. and knowing they would be a forgetful people—even though He’s literally God— He called them to remember Him by keeping His words at the front of their minds and lives with physical reminders.
These words which I command you shall be upon your heart. You shall teach them, recite them, bind them upon yourself as a symbol and inscribe them on your doorposts and gates. Write them on the doorframes, tie them on your hands, and bind them on your foreheads.
Seems like I’m not the only human who needs to keep things in front of me so I remember, even the things that matter the most.
(Observing Jews to this day hang Mezuzah on their doorposts.)
It is my honor and my work to hold close, remembering and acting upon, living out my values and principles.
This season my work centers around my attitude of gratitude (sorry, that’s so cheesy). I constantly am choosing to and getting to rewrite the narrative in my head.
It doesn’t come naturally to me to see all the mothering and home-keeping in a romantic light. I mean, it is in the big picture, I guess, but in the actual day to day of it, I get very lost in the sticky, and whiny, and “I can’t believe I’m wiping this surface again” or “sweeping this mess again” details.
(I want to be happy for you if that’s your experience, but really, I’m like stomping jealous, so don’t tell me if you are naturally a gracious and grateful mom in those moments.)
But this is the life I want; my days are shaped and hours influenced by the things we want to be doing here, together. So I just have to keep calling that forward, remembering my values around home, children, time. And in the remembering, I am able to live lighter and happier, because truly, I come alive in my gratitude when I choose it.
So I’ll keep remembering it, and probably writing about it too.